Elaine and the War on Christmas (Uzma Double XP)

On a Tuesday before a Thursday that fell on Christmas, Elaine and Amethyst needed to save the world. From Christmas.

For many decades, a secret war on Christmas had waged in the shadows by defenders of freedom from the invasive forces of Santa Claus and his evil list of good and evil. The War on Christmas needed heroes to fight back the spread of power Santa Claus sought to gain. Ever since Santa put Jesus on the naughty list to take the Christ out of Christmas, a dark shadow fell over the Mall of America. And possibly America.

"Nothing you just rambled on about is even remotely true. First of all, it's Wednesday. Second, everything else you said."

"First of all, how dare you; second of all, that was backstory, you can't criticize it; third of all, the Naughty List is a powerful tool for evil."

"Just get the loser and the black girl and let's get this over with."

"I know who the loser is, but the black girl doesn't have easy contact on account of the white power structure."

"She's in between coverage plans right now. She'll probably go by the hotel if she isn't dead or in another dimension or traveling through time."

"Elaine! I found you!" Out of breath and without a clue, Amethyst ran up to Elaine's side. "I've been looking into this situation and I think I have a plan. What we need to do is..."

A quick jab connected with Amethyst's nose. "Sorry." A full breath sat in between them. "You startled me."

Ame clutched her nose and rubbed away the pain as best she could. "I was here for like a full..."

"You don't know how fear works."

"Get the loser to tell you her dumb plan and let's get the black girl to selflessly sacrifice herself so you can- wow, it's Christmas and I can't find the spirit of caring about this situation."

"We're going to dress up as elves and infiltrate the winter festival. Good plan. Did you get the costumes."

"I was going to, but I didn't."

"Okay, I'll do everything. And remember, it's Jesus' birthday, so don't make him cry by doing any of your dumb Harry Potter stuff." Elaine stalked out the food court of the Mall of America, passing by the record store she once attacked a terrible mother at before meeting the Queen of the Tyukis. Now, she needed to meet with the other inhabitants of the mall, part time teenage workers. She found two with the elf costumes next to them. One of the girls weird and white and the other was Asian. Now they just needed a sassy black girl with booty for days. "Do you happen to have a third friend who is a black girl? Probably sassy, most likely has booty for days?"

"Who's asking about my booty?" A confirmation came from over Elaine's shoulder full of sass and with booty for days.

"Okay, we found the right people."

"You two ain't trying to get into the Christmas Festival dressing up as elves are you? Cause that plan is tie-ered." Two fingers popped as booty for days made sure Elaine and Amethyst knew the futility of their plans.

"What if we said we knew a powerful magician and we could..."

"We'll give you a thousand dollars."

"Sold. You and Harry Potter try to stay off the naughty list."

Elaine took the elf costume across her arm and turned to Ame to slap her across the head with the elf hat. "First of all powerful magicians don't watch Price is Right with a pint of ice cream at 1 in the afternoon."

"I could win the showcase, 200 was way too..."

Elaine brought Ame to silence with another bout with the elf hat. "Second of all, don't you ever make me look uncool in front of teenagers again. They all have a finger on the pulse of what's cool and these elf costumes are definitely in this season." Folds of red and green fabric filled out the small dress along with matching red and green striped socks. "Now we have to go find Uzma. She is probably somewhere in time and or space, possibly in another dimension, maybe in a prison on some far off planet, or maybe she went to the hotel. Hard to say, but I think we should start looking in our hearts first."

Ame overcame the anger of needing to put her phone back together after Elaine smashed in response to the use of a selfie. "The first thing I'm going to do is Google how to turn someone into a frog." Ame slid the battery back into the back of her phone before it failed to come on while Elaine prepared her supplies of small explosives to take down Santa. "Are you sure Uzma is going to be helpful? Does she even know what Santa looks like?"

"She knows how to turn into an alien. Good enough."

"She is an alien. She knows how to turn into a human."

"Doesn't matter. Once she gets here, Operation X-mas: Happy Holidays: Take the Christ out of Christmas: Part 2 is a go." And then she arrived in all the alien splendor a black lady could fit. "Happy Holidays is for communists. It's happy X-mas." Elaine tossed the elf suit to Uzma for her preparation. "We have a plan."

A pair of antlers were poached upon Spirit Corgi's head along with a green and red sweater with pictures of reindeer. "Why don't you tell her what the objective is?"

"No time to explain X-mas or Happy Holidays. We need to disguise ourselves as elves, break into the winter wonderland, fight the abominable snowman, defeat Santa, and destroy the Naughty List."

"Those are objectives, well done."

"At some point, Ame will fail, giving us a proper time to do all the cool stuff. Ame will probably die, and I am okay with that."

"Yeah, here's the real plan..."

"No time." Elaine knocked Ame's cell phone to the ground before bloting towards the winter wonderland. "Happy Holidays is a go!"

"Well, I'm happy to see you. How's being a black lady going for you?" Ame picked her phone up and put it in one of the pockets of her elf costume before starting to make her way towards the winter wonderland. "I'm not sure how much of Elaine's plan is real, but there will be some danger with getting to the Naughty List..."

"Naughty List?" A sharp accusation shot from a man with sharper ears. "What do you know of the Naughty List?"

"Naughty List?" The alarm rose through the ranks of elven guards. "Raise the alarm and summon the snow monster!" Sirens blared out and a wall of snow began to fill behind Ame and Uzma, cutting off the average civilians from seeing the true nature of X-mas. Elves shuffled packed snow from cylinders to form a large chunk of body along the ground. It slowly grew before coal eyes were assembled. One elf ran towards the snow monster with a carrot nose and fit it snug into place along its face. The monster roared to life with a thunderous arrival. Two Christmas trees grew arms and lifted from their planted form, tossing presents behind Ame and Uzma. The presents sprouted legs and ran after Ame, exploding after a few seconds, knocking Ame off of her feet and into a pit of presents. A line of tinsel swung from one of the trees to snag Uzma by the leg and swing her in the air several times before throwing her into the ground violently. "They must not get to the List!"

"You want me to help you... destroy the Naughty List? Are you on the naughty list or something?" Uzma rose a brow in surprise, and nudged Ame in the side jokingly. She knew Elaine was a little odd, but starting a war on Christmas just didn't feel right. Not at all.

Uzma stopped jabbing her elbow into Ame when Elaine continued on with her explanation of what was going to happen. "Uhh, well now... Ame, I'm not gonna let this bitch get you killed. Yea, that's right, you're bein a real bitch right now. So, let's just get the Naughty List or whatever and then actually hang out. I was looking forward to watching old movies and eating popcorn and making fun of Imena for the evening." Rolling her eyes a few times and cocking her hip to the left dramatically as she spoke, she finally just sighed because she was not going to change Elaine's mind. Not at all.

"Oh hell naw," she said, posing herself into something somewhat defensive. With legs spread wide, and knees bent, she turned at the waist just a bit and held her fists up in a ready pose. It was as if she were a character from Street Fighter. She felt cooler than that, though.

A gush of wind sent her skirt billowing as the snow wall rose behind herself and Ame, giving sight to candy cane flared underwear. She was not ashamed, but anyone looking would be overwhelmed with instant jealousy of how nice her butt was.

Changing gears a bit, she tried to grab for Ame's flailing had as she was knocked backward, but as her attention left the silly witch girl, Uzma was yanked into the air by the same Christmas trees that just flung baby presents at them. Or baby trees dressed as presents? Either way, it was really messed up. The floor meeting with her face was not very pleasant, but there was nothing she could do until the tree slowed up it's swings. When the right moment arrived, Uzma took her chance and slipped her ankles out of the branches and did a barrell roll in the air. She twisted and turned, then landed on her feet like a cat.

"Now it's my turn," she said and conjured up some cosmic energy. It engulfed her, transforming her into the stark white alien she normally was. But for once, her clothes did not vanish with her transformation. The magic of the elf costume must be woven into the fabric. There was no way to hide the green and red attire. Not really caring, she formed a few balls of energy in her hands and started to chuck them at the trees, singeing fir needles off of the trees. A few ornaments were crushed by the cosmic energy as well.

The trees were tough, and there was no way Uzma could do this alone.

"Ame, Elaine! Get your asses over here! Stop playing in the presents, Ame, and Elaine, I don't know what you're doing, but it better be something to either A: back me up or B: steal the spotlight."

"DAT AZZ!" The tree monster roared in sheer defiance of his own posterior. The elves around him succumbed to the sass of dat ass. He continued to rain explosive presents towards his most hated of enemies: witch ladies dressed as elves. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE FOREST! YOU ARE AN UNNATURAL ABOMINATION!"

"You're a talking tree!" Ame started to ready a flask when one of the presents burst into confetti. Wrapping paper shot out and tethered Ame to a candy cane pole. "A really cool talking tree."

Lumbering steps shook ornaments off of the trees massive limbs. "I'M GOING TO FILL YOU WITH CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!"

"That doesn't sound..."

"THIS IS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!" Icicles sprouted out from a large candy cane, further sprouting more knife like icicles.

"Uzma. A little help. You can use this!" Ame tossed her volatile concoction towards Uzma to try and set the tree on fire.

"SHE CAN'T DAMAGE ME! I'M STACKING HEALTH AND MAGIC RESIST!" Christmas Spirit filled the air. Lumbering over Ame with animosity. "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Before Uzma could get back on the offense, a snow monster slung an unending amount of snowballs at Uzma, hoping to bury her alive in a frozen mound of white death. As the monster tugged at its gums to pull forth icicles in the place of teeth, a sudden blast erupted from within the midsection of the beast. Elaine lunged out from the massive hole she created with a special concoction of her own. "Happy Holidays you filthy animals!"

"Naughty List?" Elaine hopped down and threw a candy cane knife into the eye of one of the tree monsters. "I took my name off that stupid thing like 5 minutes ago. You should've seen it, I fight a reindeer that shot fire out of its nose, and then Mrs Claws tried to cut me to pieces with candy cane knives, and finally, a menorah came to life and tried to throw me into the North Star only to be thwarted by all of my cunning and some of my charm."

"And all I got were these lousy antlers." Appearing next to Elaine, but not next to reality, Spirit Corgi continued in his attire of festiveness.

"Oh my god, you're so cute it doesn't even matter how snarky you are!"

"Ame's about to die." Spirit Corgi pointed out the obvious to the oblivious.

"It is Christmas and she hates Jesus, so..."

"Why can't you just use the flash with your energy to burn away the monsters!" Ame still held onto her flask as Uzma pulled her from death's grips, but Ame failed to flail her means of destruction towards the tree.

"Stop being a passive support who lets everyone carry you through ranked."

"I earned bronze 4 dammit."

"You earn nothing because you hide behind the tower and don't engage with your carry and then complain about the jungler not pinging on time." Jungler is not a recognized word, but pinging is.

"He could give a heads up!"

"You could use map awareness! Now drop the flask!" As Elaine threw her insults, Ame dropped her flask with little gusto. Spinning fluid poured from the vial as the ignition reagent sparked up. A burst of energy shot out and the tree engulfed in flame. "Fiasco!" Back in reality, Elaine yelled at her group around a table.

"You don't win the game by yelling its name!" An angry looking wizard bundled in a red hat and suit stroked his white beard in hatred. "Even so, you have bested me this time. But next Christmas, I'll destroy that wizard!"

"Stop making promises you can't keep." Elaine brushed off her hat and stood up from the table. Her part in this little game came to an end, but none of the lives of her group did, so mazel tov.

"So, did we..."

"Shut up Ame, you still lose somehow."