Apollo's Instruments

by **Brorschach** April 1st 2013, 2:04 am

Name: Echidna

Abilities: This guitar made from the mother of all mothafuckin monsters herself and has a little trick I like to call "The Screaming Orgasm". For those of you not versed in the lore of fucking metal, let me elaborate. This thing right here lets the Heavy Metal Messiah strum her and produces mothafuckin sonic booms strong enough to strip the flesh from your punk ass bones. You got a problem with it, take it up with the mothafuckin Messiah himself.

Description: Now I thought I already explained this during that bitchin ballad I told you kiddies but fine, I'll drill it into your dumb ass skulls one more time. See, Echidna is the mother of all them badass monsters you always here about in the goddamn legends. So one day that bitch gets her mothafuckin head lopped off and because she produced some of the most metal beasties to every roam the earth, she got sent to Heavy Metal Hell instead of ya'know, regular Hell. Of course, she kept trying to run the fuck away like a bitch so the big man Asmodeus turned her fine ass into an even finer guitar. Did I mention she doubles as a mothafuckin battle axe.

OCC Allocation: 7

Spoiler:

Name: Guren

Abilities: Now see this bitch's strings are pure Damascus steel hand folded by the mothafuckin blind monks of mount Fuji in the deep core of Japan. See that sexy red paint job? Yeah that's their fuckin blood. They slit each other's own damn throats to pain this fuckin thing. The lamination? That's their goddamn tears as they wept over how amazing this guitar was gonna be. How is all this relevant to what it can do? Well their pride means that the guy wielding this sweet holy bible has the fires of the goddamn forge behind them. Simply put? God damn do I have to explain everything to you fuckin idiots? Fine. It summons god damn pillars of flame. Simple, Ozzy crack smoking Osbourne!

Description: I think I mothafuckin covered this.

OCC Allocation: 7

Spoiler:

Name: Gospel

Abilities: This sleek little number is called the Gospel, and for good fuckin reason brother. See, when our lord and savior, the Metal Messiah brings this baby out, you're in for a rough fucking, you dig? You though the mothafuckin Guren was bad, this bitch skips to a whole other level of fucking your punk ass. You get it yet? No? This mothafucka calls down lightning from the drums of Dave Grohl himself! Yeah, that's right, the mothafucking drummer of the Holy Trinity is pounding his goddamn set specifically to kill your dumb ass. You've been warned. Oh and, I suggest you pray, maybe he won't fry you.

Description: You're gonna ask how this came into being right? Well remember that acoustic legend that our wonderfully mirthful lord Apollo had before he rocked Asmodeus into submission? Yeah, this is the smelted down remains of Old Chet's legacy that Mr. Cobalt has given a second chance at life. Don't touch.

OCC Allocation: 7

Spoiler:

Name: Typhon

Abilities: See, here's the thing. Unlike the of these sexy bibles of holy musical perfection, this guy's kept his preference from when he was still King of the fucking hill. When Apollo pulls this badass grandaddy out, he's not gonna sit back and play that shit, he's gonna bludgeon your mothafuckin face in! Yeah that's right, this bitch is mothafuckin unbreakable!

Description: Alright, you remember that sexy bitch Echidna right? Mother of all monsters who got her face chopped right the fuck off? Yeah, this is her husband, the father of all monsters and the original demon king. So how'd he wind up in a guitar is the question on your mothafuckin mind right? Truth is, that mothafuckin Metal Messiah beat him into submission with his own wife and used those juicy secrets Asmodeus poured into his noggin to turn the biggest mothafuckin badass this side of eternity into the most insane fucking guitar ever crafted... At least that you know about.

OCC Allocation: 8

Spoiler:

Name: Black

Abilities: Now I know you're probably mothafuckin wondering: How the fuck could the Metal Messiah have more tricks up his sleeve after the rapefest I just read. Well good news my soon to be dead friend, with this, Apollo won't kill your ass directly, because with the sweet sweet loving of this guitar, our Merciful lord heals the wounds of all those who gave themselves up in this holy war of metal! Yeah that's right, all those guys you just nearly died taking down? Yeah, THEY'RE FUCKING BACK BITCH! As long as he keeps shooting out the tasty grooves, his loyal disciples are gonna keep on getting back up.

Description: Now see, this here's a special case. That inky blackness covering the entire surface of Black is actually the concentrated essence of a goddamn black hole. Why the fuck would you put that within arm's reach of anyone?! Because, it's what's necessary to seal the sexy fucking ark of the Metal covenant beneath. When Apollo finally decided to rock the fuck out on this sweet piece of biblical gear, he's letting the smallest fraction of its true form out. Consider yourself lucky mothafucka, you're gonna die hearing the voice of god.

OCC Allocation: 7

Spoiler:

Name: Mobile Metal Cathedral

Abilities: This sexy fusion of amplifier, motorcycle, and pure unadulterated pussywagon brand steel shoots fire from its mufflers like the chariot of the mythical fucking sun god himself, moving at a sick 180 MPH at its top speed and basically being a giant chick magnet, the Mobile Metal Cathedral is the result of Asmodeus' knowledge and that's right, you guessed it: Apollo's mothafuckin motor skills and will outperform your bitch ass ferrari any time, any place. Bring it bitch!
Description:

OCC Allocation: 6

Spoiler:

Name: The Pick of Destiny

Abilities: The Pick, aside from being the source of all real guitarist's unfuckinbelievable skills, gives the Heavy Metal Messiah the sexy fucking mobile storage case one of his stature so richly deserves. You don't fuckin understand? Let me lay it out for you numbnuts: You see all those pretty guitars he's gonna use to beat punk's asses with? Yeah? He summons those fine pieces of equipment with this, just one strum and he can swap to whatever mothafuckin sweet bible of sounds he decides would make for the best soundtrack to kick your ass by.

Description: This piece of plastic was originally distributed as free merch at a mothafuckin showin of Tenacious D - The Pick of Destiny -one of the mothafuckin greatest films of all time by the way- to that lovable bastard Old Chet. May The Holy Sabbath rest his zombie bones. Moving on, when our mothafuckin Metal Messiah had his reality raping duel with Asmodeus, this piece of plastic was infused with the cosmic juju of a thousand screaming metalheads at once, becoming more powerful than even its movie counterpart. Suck it China.

OCC Allocation: 6