Pizza Man

Real Name: Pepper Roni
Hero Name: Pizza Man
Title: The Most Delicious Hero
Age: 19
Gender: M for MANLY
Race: Human (Then Pizza)
Hair: Blonde (Then none)
Eyes: Brown (Pepperoni eyes)
Height: 5,7
Weight: 184
Blood type: O (Then Tomato Sauce)


Human Form
Pepper looks like your everyday broke college student. He is a bit on the chubby side with the foundations of a beer belly from his constant frat bro partying. Acne and his greasy mop of hair cover most of his average face.


Pizza Form
In this glorious form, Pepper is a pizza-humanoid made entirely out of the most wonderful food on the planet. His blood is marinara sauce, his bones are dense breadsticks, and his flesh…is cheese and toppings. He also has the form of a sculpted bodybuilder…If they were made out of Italian cuisine.


Before he became Pizza Man, Pepper was the kind of frat bro college kid you’d expect. He believed he could coast along life and plan to make it to the next kegger and that all the little things would just work themselves out. Not much ambition nor talent, Pepper survived mainly by mooching off his parents and whatever college grants he could dedicate towards the next big party.

As Pizza Man, he has had a fundamental change in both the physical form but also the mental. While he’d still like to be lazy and just go along for the ride of life, he is now compelled by supernatural magic to be good and dedicate himself to helping others. He is fully aware of how ridiculous his situation is and tries to deal with the never-ending stress with cheesy jokes and wacky antics. He has a chemical interest in weed because, in a world where everything about you is herbs and spices, you can’t help but be baked.




John James Rambo is the main protagonist of the Rambo film series and David Morell's novel First Blood. A former Vietnam veteran and highly skilled Green Beret, Rambo returned from the war as a decorated, but disturbed hero. He is filled with self-loathing and hates killing, but is willing to use his skills to protect those close to him. This is the general plot line of the four First Blood sequels. The main character of the series, Rambo appears in all the films. The only character to come close to this is Sam Trautman, his mentor and commander in Vietnam.

Although Rambo appears to be a butch action stereotype, the character of John Rambo is actually a broken and emotional man. He has witnessed all of his friends die, was not loved as a child, faced unbearable terrors in Vietnam, returned to a country that rejected him, then was seduced back into combat where he killed hundreds more people before finally being left alone and miserable, unable to forgive himself for what he has done. At one point, Rambo stated that he had wasted his life fighting for things he thought he believed in. By the end of the series, Rambo hates himself and has lost his faith in humanity, God and the concept that things will get better for the world, due in no small part because of the horrors of war he experienced. Rambo did get better at the end of the series when he returned home, but he is no doubt plagued by nightmares from his post-traumatic stress disorder. The character has more emotional depth than most people would think based on what popular culture has depicted Rambo as, and Sylvester Stallone's performance has been widely acclaimed. The character was nominated for American Film Institute's list 100 Years… 100 Heroes and Villains.

Rambo's covert missions behind enemy lines were also quite accurate to real Vietnamese War tactics. The way the character fights, is in some details (such as weapons and modus operandi) based on soldiers that fought anti-guerrilla warfare during the Vietnam war (more information about Rambo and history here)


Pepper smacked his mounted phone as he drove pasted the same fork the the road for the 4th time.

“The fuck is it?” he swore as he brought up the address on the GPS.

“11019 Hamilton Rd…” He looked at the surrounding wookland area and shook his head.

“Real fucking mature man. Order a pizza and send the driver to bumfuck nowhere, real mature. Whatever, your ass already paid online so joke on you. Whatever. He sighed, turning his car around to head back to civilization. Only, there right in front of him was a gated driveway with “11019 Hamilton” lettered on it.  
“Uhh…” Pepper uhh’d, mystified over how he didn’t see this before.

“You know what, fuck it. I don’t get paid enough to question any of this. Pulling up to a speakerbox he rung or pressed the button. (Author’s note, is it like ringing a doorbell for these gated houses? I’m poor so I’ve never lived in a gated community before so I honestly don’t know whether its pressing a button or ringing a doorbell, if you know, please tell me.) He rung/pressed it a few more times before he heard someone.

“Proceed…” Was all he heard in a deep soothing voice before the metal gates opened. In spite of the fancy looking gate, the home wasn’t all that impressive. It was like a mansion in its teenager phase where it didn’t know exactly what it wanted to be, but rebelled against the normal expectations society had placed on it.

He couldn’t tell if the lawn had been active warzone or if it was the result of gardeners high on bath salts. Random foxholes were dug about with incredibly lifelike people made up of trimmed shrubbery holding positions. There was a hedgemaze but it only had 2 turns in it.  Lastly, large swaths of grass had been dyed various colors. Blues, pinks, just about every color you could imagine and some you never knew about before.

The house itself wasn’t much better as it was like a mix of one of those old fantasy towers and well, a house. Spiraling staircases zigged and zagged across the exterior like scars, most leading to seemingly nowhere. It was simultaneously very round and very blocky giving it a look like it had been cobbled together over a very long time with seemingly no plan for the future.

“Ok then…” Pepper muttered to himself as he took it all in. He parked near a shrug man who had his legs blown off.  He didn’t even get the chance to knock on the front door before a surprisingly normal looking guy answered it.

“It’s pizza time.” Pepper said with all the enthusiasm a underpaid worker could muster.

“Sorry if its not hot, you live in the middle of nowhere bro.” He handed the man the pizza.

“All good. No worries. The man said as he peeked at his food before nodding to himself.

“Excellent, you’ve done very well in your quest young Pepper Roni. Very well indeed.” The man praised with a warm smile and a bit condescending tone tbh, like really, if I was working a 9/5 job and a random ass customer said essentially “good boy” to me, I’d be pissed.

“Wait, how did you know my na–” Pepper was stopped as the man waved him off and actually shushed him. Dick.

“Don’t worry about it kiddo. A gift is in order for a job well done. The man rummanged in his jeans’ pockets before pulling out a weird looking lamp. The kind of lamp you’d find at a garage sell. Kinda old looking and kinda tacky. Pepper didn’t get a chance to say anything as the man shoved the lamp into his hands and closed the door in his face. Stunned, he looked down at the junk in his hands before rolling his eyes.

“Some tip. Whatever.”
The drive back was uneventful but had he looked back to the gate he would of noticed it disappear. He delivered a few mores pies before ending his shift  Parking his car at his shitty apartment he looked at the weird garbo lamp that asshole had given him.

‘I could hide my weed in this.’ he thought.

His apartment wasn’t much to brag about. It was more of a flat really, but it was his and he didn’t have to share it with anyone which was awesome because living with others is awful. Especially those who don’t believe in the concept of headphones and play loud fucking motorcycle videos at 3 in the god damn morning in a school night. Seriously, I fucking hate the people I live with and my resentment of them grows greater with every passing day. Super excited to be moving out next year so I don’t snap in a blind rage. If you, the reader, are planning to share an apartment with someone, just don’t unless you are already good friends with the others. Its just not worth it.

Popping some Pizza Rolls in the oven he sat down with the lamp and his bag of weed. He spent the next hour getting absolutely baked out of his mind. Sprawled out on the couch with his head lolled back he remained like that for a long time before he remembered the weird lamp.

‘How does this thing open?’ He thought as he fiddled with it. ‘Some sort of latch or…’ He’s thoughts were interrupted as a strange mist started seeping out of the lamp. Reacting quickly he threw it across the room and watched as the mist condensed into a person with a funny little hat.

The person was weird, not only because of the funny little hat they wore, but to a lesser extent, they didn’t have any legs. Instead, they just floated in the air like they were on those trapeze artist string riggings. It wasn’t like the person has a weird astral trail under them like Genie from Aladin, there was just nothing down there. More like an amputee victim…Well one that could float.

“I am the mighty genie of the lamp, who summons me?” The mighty genie of the lamp said.

“Woah…” Pepper woahed.

“Woah…Very well then Master Woah. You have summoned me and I am bound to your command for 3 wishes.  

“Woah…” Pepper woahed.

The genie ignored him as he continued prattling on for the next 10 minutes about all the various rules and restrictions the wishes had. It was all really boring and there’s no point for me to  drag you through reading it all. If it helps just imagine that time your teacher brought in a guest speaker and hyped them up but all they ended up talking about was the really boring part of their cool job.

“So with all that said…What does your heart desire Master Woah? Your wish is my burden.” The genie crossed his arms as he waited.

Pepper laughed hysterically for the next 10 minutes.

The bouts of giggling and chuckling subsided as Pepper regained just a bit more clarity of mind. He was still baked as hell but he could atleast semi-function as a person again. Staring at the genie, pepper thought he should be more concerned given how this random whatever was in his house and had been staring at him for the last 10 minutes with an utterly unflinching gaze. If he wasn’t as high as a kite he might of sensed some deep seated loathing in the genie’s expressionless eyes.

“So like…I get 3 wishes?”

“Yes. No more no less. Tell me your heart’s desire so I can go back to sleep.”

Pepper chuckled again.
“I want love and–” Suddenly a bee fly in front of Peppers face, buzzing happily. “Bee!” He shouted as he tried and failed to swat at it. Being high was not an effective combat drug it seemed. The bee buzzed off to more greener pastures over the rudeness of the host. Pepper sighed as the threat was over.

“A good pizza.” He continued on with his wishing before stopping to consider his 3rd and final wish. He knew he had to really take his time and think on the last one. His thoughts were interrupted as the genie exclaimed “Your Wishs are granted!”  A bright blue light engulfed the room and as it faded back to normality Pepper realized something was wrong…Very, very wrong.

He. Had. Become. A. Pizza. Man.

“What? What did you do to me?!” Pepper yelled as he also realized he was no longer high.  He stared at his hands. They had become similar to that of Calzones.  He touched his face with his tasty hands and felt grease, cheese, and his pepperoni eyes. He was a monster…A delicious monster!

“I have granted your wishes to be loved and to be a good pizza Master Woah. You are made with the finest of herbs and toppings in the world. No other food can compare with your goodness. Everyone shall love you and praise you in all your pizza glory.” The genie looked rather pleased with himself.

“Thi– that– Thats not at all what I wanted! You’ve made me a pizza.” Pizza Man scolded.

“If your wish is not as you hoped you can use your 3rd wish to undo your other wishes. You still have one more wish Master Woah…What does your heart desire?” The genie said expectantly as if nothing wrong had ever happened.

“Fucking hell. Obviously I wish that…that…” A sudden compulsion grasped onto his mind with an iron grip. All he could think about, no, feel, was that there are people in trouble out there and he had to help them. He had to do good. He must be a…Good pizza. He tried to fight the urge and finish his wish but he simply could not resist. In wishing for a good pizza he had not only became an incredibly tasty pizza but also a morally good one. His newfound morals compelled him to act and act now.

Rushing out of his apartment, Pizza Man helped several people in need. A cat stuck in a tree, stopped a bar fight by reminding everyone of all the good times they had with pizza, and even helped feed the homeless with the best food in the world, pizza. Several hours had passed when the compulsion ended and Pepper rushed back home to fix this cheesy mess he was in.

Only, he was too late. In his haste to help those in need he had left his front door wide open for all to come. His home had been robbed. The TV, the lamp, even his fucking weed! All gone. He had no idea where the lamp went but he had to find it. It was going to be tough being made out of pizza and having random bouts of forced heroism but he had to find it. Its the only way fix this mess. If not well…Its  R.I.P. for him…Rest in Pepperoni.



Always Another Slice: Pizza Man has pizza regeneration or pizzaration if you will. When not being damaged or eaten, Pizza Man will start recovering his missing chunks of pizza. Due to this, he is almost immortal as even if there is a single bite left of him, he will come back in 30 minutes or less.

Everybody Loves Raymond Pizza:  Not only did Pizza Man wish to be a good pizza, he also wished to be loved. The genie made Pizza Man have supernatural levels of charm to the point that anybody who ever had fond memories of pizza will adore and admire Pizza Man…Which is just about everyone since everybody loves pizza.

The Sauce Boss: Pizza Man is able to generate high-pressured beams of dipping sauces of any kind, whether it be Ranch, BBQ, Marinara, etc. If it makes sense as something people would use for their pizza it's fair game.

Bane Of Magics: Much like how garlic is the bane of vampires, Pizza Man’s body is a magical creation of the highest order. He is almost impervious to magical effects as a result of the genie.


I’m Fucking Delicious!: Being made out of pizza, while awesome, comes with great risk. That risk being incredibly delicious to those around you. Pizza Man must be ever vigilant of others in case his fragrant aroma of wholesome food drives them into a feeding frenzy wanting to devour his cheesy flesh! Remember though, while he is a person, he isn’t human so this isn’t cannibalism. Gotta maintain that PG13 rating.

It Ain’t Easy Being Cheesy: Because of his new form, he is unable to use any form of touchscreens of any kind.  Something about pizza not having a recognizable fingerprint, who knew?

Service With A Smile:  When Pepper wished to be a good pizza, not only did he become a very delicious pizza but he is also compelled to do good and benefit society! He is unable to resist this onset urge to help those in need and always make sure they get a slice...Of Justice.

I Hate Pizza    : One of life’s great tragedies is that not everyone loves pizza. Whether they are allergic, a robot, or just plain evil, there are those who are immune to the supernatural charm of Pizza Man.