The DANGERS of Books (Burn books kids)

Gripping the steering wheel with a vice-like grip Dan's face was a mixture of absolute focus and determination. They all said he was crazy, mad to even consider it, but he'd prove them wrong. For weeks he's been gearing up for his cross country trip from New York to Florida. He had packed plenty of Go-Gurt and snake bars, a few audiobooks to listen to, and most importantly, he was now the proud renter of a beat-up Honda Civic which has come to be known as "The Dan Mobile"

Things had been going very well the past 18 hours of ceaseless driving and the occasional Go-Gurt break and The Dan Mobile-only breaking down 4 times. It was only now that problems surrounded him, threatening to overrun and drown him much like the watery wetlands he drove on. The more reasonable part of him whined about how he should have listened when the park ranger when he said that it was "fucking crazy" and how "you can't just drive a car through the wetlands, that's dangerous!", But he was DANGER DAN! and he was NOT about to let a little DANGER stop him.

He continued slowly driving the car through the more solid parts of the national park towards the seemingly random cabin in the distance. Only to stop as The Dan Mobile lurched forward as the not solid foundations gave way. With a sound that can only be described as a slushie machine breaking down mid-pour the car slowly sank. Hopping out of his car dan panicked, throwing his hands around aimlessly in the air unsure what to do. He tried to use his DANGEROUSLY powerful strength to pull the car out of the water but only succeeded in helping the car sink faster. With a last *Blopt!" the car was fully submerged. Mourning the loss of The Dan Mobile and the fact that the rental company was going to kill him, he pressed on to the cabin.

He wasn't concerned over the rental costs as he was going to score BIG on this DANGEROUS DEED!. He had it on good authority that there was a hidden lair of some kind called Sphere or something in the Everglades houses all sorts of weird magical shit. The main hope was to find something to make him more DANGEROUS to those loser heroes like Lightyear and Rabbit Punch. He hadn't actually met either of them but mark his words, they will pay.

DANGER DAN! tried to kick open the wooden door only to lose his balance as the door stood firm. Shaking his head he broke out his lock picks and went to work. The door opened with a squeak and the inside was...underwhelming. It looked just like a normal cabin, well, as normal as a cabin randomly built on wetlands could be. Must be some sort of lever inside for a secret tunnel or hatch Dan thought. Stepping inside he felt a sense of nausea as his vision blurred leaving him feeling like he was on one of those crappy carnival spinner things. As his vision cleared he realized he was no longer in a wooden cabin but somewhere else, some sort of underground tunnel system. He looked around in hopes of finding a "You are here" sign but there was nothing except the vacant cement walls and dim lights leading further down the tunnels. While the lights were dim there was more than enough light as just a few steps into the tunnels Dan was suddenly barraged under a torrent of fire from seemingly nowhere. Getting over the initial panic of being set on fire he shrugged and continued walking down the halls, ignoring the fire that continued to pour on him from seemingly nowhere. After a few minutes, the fire turned into a miniaturized storm of razor-sharp hail. The fragmented chunks of ice and strong gusts of winds knocked Dan back and forth, forcing him into a crouch as he weathered the phenomenal weather. It took yet more minutes of unrelenting hail before he reached yet another obstacle. A long stretch of the hallway was coated in metal rebar that seemed to go on for over a mile. Lighting arced, fizzled and pulsed between the various bars in what can only be described as an EDM rave gone wrong. DANGER DAN! groaned not because of the DANGERS in front of him, but just the annoyance of it. He wasn't worried about the lightning, after all, nothing could hurt him, but it was still a pain in the ass to move when you have thousands of volts making your muscles involuntarily contract. Sighing, he began to crawl across the galvanized floor, all the while voltages of untold magnitudes coursed through him. What would have taken all of 10 minutes of walking turned into an hour of crawling, muscle spasming, and complaining.

After what felt like forever he finally reached the end of the most metal hallway ever and was pleased to see a steel door, hopefully leading to whatever treasures the traps were for. As he approached the door he couldn't help but notice the almost comically large book sitting on a stand next to it. Curiosity got the better of him as he decided to check out the thing.

The book sat on its shelf, bored as usual. Stupid government mandated holidays. Why couldn’t he get a day off? It wasn’t as if he wasn’t an employee.  Or at least he should be counted as one. He sacrifices and risks his knowledge just to teach talentless hacks how to do parlor tricks. Not only was it insulting for such a powerful artifact to be forced into servitude by such paltry mystics, if they even deserved such a title, but they wouldn’t even allow him to go to that sorority party at UCF! What was even the point of existing if he couldn’t even see scantily clad college girls? It was absolutely appalling.

Liam made an audible sigh, and flipped his pages to the pages that he kept hidden in the direct middle of himself. His story section. “Now let’s see… was the dragon battle here… or was it here… Wait, was I even supposed to add a dragon battle?”

Suddenly, a sound like crackling electricity filled the air and Liam shut himself as quickly as possible. Flames then. That would be the security wards. Who could’ve survived two of them? No matter, they were surely destroyed by the second. Then something sent a shiver down the books spine. A third ward activated, then a fourth. Finally, the door to the base swung open and in came a man. He was wearing a yellow jumpsuit with a beekeepers helmet on. What did the mortals call those? Hazmat? Some members of the ORB wore them when interacting with Liam. It kept his defenses from activating. Of course, those hazmats were purple and glowed faintly with a magical aura. Perhaps it was a thief, come to steal from the ORB? Hm… On one hand, he was obligated to attempt to protect the base. But on the other hand, he was completely within his right mind if he refused. After all, this enemy had gotten through several powerful wards without even a scratch on him. Those wards were stronger than magic that Liam could even hope to replicate alone.

The man looked around the room, and Liam tried not to look conspicuous. Which must’ve looked something like a book sitting totally still on a pedestal. Almost as if the book was just that. A book. ‘Dear god.  That man smells like… swamp water, yogurt, and cheetos!’ Was all that the book could think as the man seemed to stare around the room confused. Was he looking for something in particular? His eyes locked on Liam’s leather bound form, and suddenly began walking toward him.

“Halt!” Liam said, attempting not to gag, which was really saying something as the book did not contain a throat to create a gag reflex to begin with, as the man came within 2 feet of him. Honestly, what kind of barbarian eats nothing but dairy, and assumes that a dip in the swamp is going to make that smell better? “If you come any closer, I will be forced to unleash my immense magical power upon you.” Liam said, bluffing and hoping that the stranger wasn’t told of his real capabilities as a solo-mage. “What is it that you want?”

"Halt!"

Dan stopped as the command came from seemingly nowhere. He looked around the room for some type of speaker or person who had somehow snuck upon him.

“If you come any closer, I will be forced to unleash my immense magical power upon you.”

Oh, well that's silly. It was the weird-looking book making the noise. Despite the open threat, Dan felt himself at ease once again. A person who can sneak up on the MIGHTY DAN! was a truly DANGEROUS foe, but some book yelling at him was less so. If the book was anything like the initial traps then there wasn't much to be worried about.

“What is it that you want?”

Normally Dan didn't bother keeping up his wacky and manic personality that was DANGER DAN! when doing one of his heists. Not like there would be people around to monologue with, but the book was either some sort of camera or was a living thing itself. As the old saying goes, "Where there is a crowd there is a performance."

Striking villainous spouse #45 (Right foot prominently in front with a hand raised, clenching the air)

"What do I, DANGEROUS DAN! want you ask? I want nothing but world domination, united in FEAR under my DASTARDLY heel. I have come looking to take all of SPHERE'S most treasured possessions! They will be helpless as I enact my DANGEROUS DEEDS with their very own devices! Now, book, Will you stand in my DEADLY pursuit of power, acting as a door stopper, or well you let me pass while you cower in FEAR, bookmarking the day that you met DANGER DAN!"

He stood there still propped up in Villainous pose #45 waiting for a response.

The book rose from the pedestal and in a commanding voice, stated. ”You will go no further, fiend!” Liam certainly hoped that this would work, and from what he had learned from some of the recruits, magic in the modern era was all about misdirection:

Glowing red orbs appeared on the cover, and glared at Dan. The book opened, and revealed… a picture of Alec Guinness. The book rapidly flipped from page to page to make the picture do a hand gesture, like one would see famous magicians use. ”This is not the base you’re looking for. Leave.”

Liam was quite proud of that trick. He had managed to force a few of his students to leave with that stunt. Generally after a lot of grumbling and sighing. Of course, it wasn’t actually magic. Just some magic trick he saw in some movie. Liam did have to wonder how the intern that taught it to him managed to repeat the old wizard’s final scene though… oh, right. He forgot to disable the wards. Certainly, he did miss Jackson.

The room was silent except for the glorified gif that was Alec Guinness being misquoted, then there was just silence as the deceased actor stopped being animated, hanging there frozen in a still image. A few long moments of uncomfortable silence passed as Dan stood there, waiting for something else to happen, perhaps some sort of bolt of magic, or telekinesis, or the classic fireball or something. Nothing else actually happened, however, leaving Dan somewhat disappointed after all that buildup. Regardless of his disappointment, he still had an image to keep.

"This is not the base I'm looking for..." DANGER DAN! said in a lackluster tone. Behind his mask, his face was slack and fixed in a lifeless trancelike expression, much like how people usually acted when they were being controlled. His expression and mannerisms weren't perfect but he thought he was doing a good enough job. "I will leave...."

He slowly began to turn and walk away back down the hall he came before he stopped in his tracks, making exaggerated grunting sounds in a feigned attempt at "regaining control". With a last amazing act of acting, he dropped the compelled act and dramatically turned around and thrusted a finger towards the book.

"You DARE try and control me, the most DANGEROUS of Dans?! I will not be quarrel by the shackles of deceased actors for I am DANGER DAN! and I am too DANGEROUS to control! I have broken free of your cunning machinations and now you shall feel my WRATH!"

The duke of DANGER began to casually walk towards the floating book and grabbed it without much opposition.

"Soon your secrets secluded in your sections of secrecy shall be mine!" He began to casually flip through the book aimlessly, more in a show of force than actually searching.

As soon as Dan grabbed the book, he felt a pull emanate from it. The eyes glowed a bright purple and the books mouth fell open, revealing a gaping void in its cover. If one were to look closer, they'd notice little sparks of light. Almost as though stars were trying to shine through the darkness.

Liam began chanting in an ancient language, so old that even the immortal gods know not its tongue. A vacuumous pressure began to form inside the mouth, swallowing inside our intrepid... well, not hero so much but protagonist nonetheless.

As Dan passed this void into the world beyond, his clothes would be transformed from that of a CDC employee, to that of a noble knight. A hero of long past generations. Our adventurers first sight upon the new world? A beautiful girl, staring down upon him. "You came from the stars!" She would proclaim, and as Dan looked, her eyes became a brilliant shade of sky blue.

"You came from the stars!"

Dan stared up at the girl, not because she was some sort of freak giant, but rather that he was laying in the dirt. Wait, why was he lying in the dirt? As far as Dan could remember he was in some sort of underground hidden lair for some guy called Tear or something. Beyond that, the rest was fuzzy, although for some reason he wanted to watch Star Wars. Regardless he was DANGER DAN! not Dirty Dan, that was for when the supervillain business didn't work out and he had to resort to being an erotic dancer.

As he stood up and brushed some dirt crumbs off his...armor? Hey, wait a minute, what the hell happened to his outfit? Where was his signature and trademarked yellow hazmat suit? How was anyone suppose to recognize Dan as the most DANGEROUS of Dans without his annoyingly vibrant yellow? No one is going to stare at this worn-out full-plate and think that he was a DANGER to society! Whoever did this was going to pay.

He would have continued lamenting the loss of his style when he remembered there was some teenage girl staring at him with awe. Normally he wouldn't have thought much of it, he did have a way with the ladies after all but he doubted this suit of junk would be swooning anyone anytime soon. He looked around to see if there was anyone else besides a child gawking at him but only saw a field of wheat. Sighing inside he turned to the teenager.

"Hey kid, any idea what happened? The last thing I remember was being underground but this clearly isn't underground. Also, more importantly, do you know who stole my clothes?"

As Dan stared into the young womans eyes, he would see there not only confusion and fear, but excitement. She looked him in the eyes of the strange yellow helmet. She would nod slowly, as if trying to wrap her head around everything.

"You fell from the sky." She repeated, and then gestured at his clothes. "Doesn't look to me as though you are in a state of undress!"

Soon, the young woman would be staing at Dan again. "Are you a knight?" She would ask him. She held a hand out to the fallen man as torch lights began to form in the distance. "My father should be here soon. You should probably get out of sight."

This was the weirdest case of being of hungover ever, is what he would have said if he was actually affected by alcohol. NO, turns out that being nigh indestructible also means no booze or drugs. Such is life he thought listlessly. Regardless of whatever the hell is going on here, he needs to figure out where he was and more importantly, get back his trademarked threads! Every second without his iconic DANGER YELLOW! is a second that some nefarious hooligan has them. He could see it now, the thief wearing his costume all the while ruining his name committing the most safe of deeds. Dan shook his had before realizing the teenager was still looking at him. Did she even blink?

"Alright...you, I'm pretty sure I was somehow drugged and I have no idea what is going on. You need me to hide, where, and why? Never mind, look, can you can tell me where I am when we find someplace to hide?"

The girl nodded solemnly at the thick headed villain's words. She took the poor fool a little ways away, to a wooden hatch in the ground that she lifted and ushered him inside of. “Stay here.” She said, before closing it. A man's voice called out for the girl. “Olivia!” He yelled, and she responded with a call in response. “I’m right here, daddy!” She said, and lifted her arms.

After a few moments of conversation with her father, which the hero wouldn’t have heard because he was currently nine feet under solid dirt and stone, the hatch opened. Olivia came down the ladder, with her father in tow. She was in tears, and there was a bruise on her cheek. If the dense and “dangerous villain” was smart, he would have surely put together that her father had struck her to get the information he wanted.

“So then. A witchbreed sent by the dragon to destroy my farm, or a Spellknight sent by the king to collect his ludicrous tax? Either way, I don’t want you here and you have two options.” The gruff man said, raising his pitchfork that glowed in the light of the torches that had inexplicably lit upon his entrance.

“You can leave us in peace, and continue living, or you can see what happens when I get angry.” He says, and even from the solid 7 foot distance, the smell of booze was heavy on his skin as well as the metallic scent of blood.

"..."

Behind his yellowed visor, Dan frowned as his mood sank further than the cellar he found himself in. He eyed the crying teen and glared at the man. The smell of alcohol off the farmer like a miasma that just made Dan angrier.  

The Duke of DANGER! strode forth with heavy footfalls as the farmer yelled at him to stay put and brandish his pitchfork threateningly. With a yell, the drunk struck out with his weapon only for it to glance off Dan's yellow armor. He tried stabbing Dan a few more times but failed to do more than scuff his armor.

Wrenching the pitchfork out of the farmer's hand, Dan struck the man in the face with a jab. The man yelled obscenities and swung back with an untrained punch which only made him yell more as his hand struct metal armor. All the while, the teen girl sobbed as she saw her father being grabbed by the collar and punched repeatedly.

With a grunt, Danger Dan! dropped the battered farmer to the ground where he wheezed through pained groans. Slowly he turned to the girl.

"I'm...Sorry. He may be your father but that gives him no right to abuse his kid...."

Dan took a step towards her with his hands in open palms.

"Look, I'm not going to hurt you and he was brandishing a weapon at me while stinking of beer. I'll leave but can you please tell me where I am and where the closest computer is? I'll go but I need your help here."

Thread retired. Vorik to claim XP.