Zonky Blong AKA Sofa King

Real Name: Zonky Blong
Renegade Name: Sofa King
Title:
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Race: Homo neanderthalensis
Hair: Wild, long and blonde
Eyes: Brown
Height: 6’1
Weight: 245lbs
Blood type:







Zonky has a very limited vocabulary; though from what many have been able to tell. He is very much a creature of his base instincts. Unable to really describe his emotions; Zonky relies on his sofa to describe properly his thoughts and emotions. He is quite violent, prone to random outbursts, and highly emotional.



Ah yes, the story of the Neanderthal Zonky Blong. It is a glorious tale, one of triumph and heartache, one of ancient powers and one of futuristic time traveling furniture. It all began around 30,000 years ago in what is now modern day Albania; around the time that the last few Neanderthal were dying out. Zonky and his tribe were hunting a mammoth when a flash of light overtook them. Groo was the first to recover; and he threw a spear at it. The spear ricocheted and landed in Groo’s foot. Zonky felt sympathy for the stupid Neanderthal, as he and Groo had been hunting buddies for many moons. It would seem Groo wouldn’t be able to go on anymore hunting trips. However, this strange object was curious. Zonky smelled it; and it was an odd scent. He grunted at it, and motioned for his compatriots to come sniff at it. Each had a similar reaction. It didn’t seem dangerous…

Zonky, being the genius of his group; figured out the single most basic function of the smelly, ugly thing. He sat down. “Sofa King, activated. Greetings pilot. As I can see you are a new user; I will initiate tutorial procedures.” Zonky attempted to stand; but suddenly it felt as though his body was stuck to the soft hide of the beast.

It shoved a helmet onto Zonky’s head and showed him in an instant all the things he would need to know in order to control the ship. Unfortunately, due to the primitive nature of his mind; he ended up with a primitive understanding of the English language; and an innate fear of helmets. “Let go, Zonky!” He yelled out, and the Sofa suddenly rocketed forward. Not in space, but in time. Zonky screamed as the dark magic took place. This was almost as bad as that time Gary discovered fire. Freaking Gary. Always showing up Zonky. Zonky would show Gary. Zonky would force… what it call itself? Sofa King? Yes. Zonky would force Sofa King to his will. “Sofa King, stop!” The Sofa abruptly stopped; and Zonky looked around.

“Location: Egypt, year 2003 BCE.” Zonky looked around, seeing many large stone structures. Zonky rubbed his chin thoughtfully. These stone structures probably needed workers. Zonky could help. Zonky helped build his own home. But Zonky didn’t feel like it. However, he saw other humans drawing ugly pictures. Zonky could draw. He leaned forward and the sofa followed this inaudible command. Zonky landed and pulled away the tools from a weird looking man with greasy hair. Reminded him of Gary. Zonky would have to bash his head in. Zonky then painted over the mans ugly paintings with gorgeous paintings of his tribe hunting buffalo. The man was so pleased; he gave Zonky his tools and hat. Zonky grinned happily as the man stalked off. He returned to his Sofa and commanded that it go.

After many more hijinks - and a few run ins with time police - Zonky ended up in the modern era. Where his Sofa finally decided that it could no longer travel through time. Zonky learned much about the Sofa. Like how to get it to feed him. And how to use it as a weapon. Zonky missed his family, but he was sure that they understood. Greg, the all father just wanted him for something more.


1. Agility
2. Endurance
3. Reaction
4. Strength





None - Zonky is effectively human



Unable to properly communicate - Zonky is unable to communicate outside of a few commands his sofa has taught him. While his sofa is attempting to teach him more words; Sofa King seems that he could care less about actually learning the English which his sofa was programmed in.

Easily distracted - Zonky is quite easily distracted, loud noises and pretty women are the best routes to distract him; but food and shiny objects seem to work quite well as well.

All normal human weaknesses - Once you get past the sofa; you have a squishy human - er Neanderthal - core.





The SofaKing 221 - The main tool for today's time travelling Neanderthal on the go. A horrifying puke yellow 3 seater number. The Sofa - when it is not flat out insulting to look at - is highly powerful. The device can do any number of amazing things in the hands of a competent pilot. However, Zonky is anything but competent and discovers things his sofa can do mainly by accident and repeating phrases. What Zonky currently knows the sofa can do:
“Sofa King hungry!”: The sofa provides sustenance in the form of Mountain Dew and Cheetos.
“Sofa King hurt!”: The sofa releases healing nanobots, which heal the Neanderthal.
“Sofa King protect!”: The sofa transforms into a spiky body armor which will protect Zonky until the threat has been deemed neutralized.
“Sofa King kill!”: The sofa spouts multiple laser guns from its armrests, backing, and underneath the couch itself. The couch targets whatever seems to be in front of it; and fires rapidly.
“Sofa King go!”: This command forces the couch to move through time, and while Zonky used it to get to the present day; Zonky mainly used it through trial and error. Randomly setting down in different time periods while trying to work through it. Currently, this feature seems to be broken or out of fuel.
“Sofa King roll!”: The sofa transforms into a massive spiked sphere. The couch rolls forward and smashes into anything that is in its path.
“Sofa King start!”: This command turns on the Sofa King and starts its passive capabilities.
“Sofa King stop!”: Turns off the Sofa King
In addition, the Sofa King has passive abilities. Including a minor force field which can only stop 2 rockets from an RPG, levitation guided by the movements of the pilots body, and an AI which controls smaller features.

Life Support: The sofa can filter in air from surrounding allowing it to go to the depths of the oceans, as well as prevent its pilot from getting overly sick; boosting the immune system of the pilot.

Weaknesses: The Sofa King can be remotely controlled via voice commands. This allows it to be remotely shut down at any time.
There are times when the sofa has an issue translating what Zonky is saying, mostly when he is panicked.
The Sofa can only handle one command at a time, starting a separate command will force the couch to stop one command or the other in order to fulfill a request.

In addition, the force field requires an hour of being powered down before it can come back online; and life support requires the field to be active.