The Return of Elaine for the First Time Again (Zell)

"Why don't I get to go to cool places like Africa to investigate things..." Elaine whined slowly into a beer bottle laying just outside the grip of her fingers.

"Because you can't be trusted to say the name 'River Niger.'" The ever present and always insightful Spirit Corgi sat on an empty barstool next to the slightly intoxicated cowgirl as she moaned about being left behind while her magical friend headed off to Africa to investigate diamond mining and zombie animation.

"Oh, whatever. Way to be a grammar Nazi." Elaine rolled over, knocking her hat to the ground.

"Better than being a regular Nazi." The dog looked over as Elaine spilled her beer with the swipe of her fingers. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you've had enough."

"I'll tell you when I've had enough." Anyone could poke their finger out and touch their nose, but could they? Apparently not as Elaine tried to recreate magical event.

"You had one beer, punched a guy, and then said the San Diego Chargers were the greatest professional team in the history of the sports."

"They won last week didn't they?"

"No, they didn't.. Because they're the Chargers." The current date is 2020 and I'm still willing to bet the Chargers lost last week. "Now if you check your phone, Imena is currently investigating odd things at the Playboy Mansion."

Elaine pulled her phone out of her pocket and started to peak through the messages. "How do you know I have messages? Are you reading my stuff?"

"So you really don't know what I am at this point do you?"

"An orange thing." Elaine flipped her fingers through her messages. Elaine, I am within the mansion of the eternal creature known as Hugh Hefner. Something dark and evil keeps him alive and I must find it. However, I feel my cover may have been exposed, compromising my cover...

"How long does it take you to read those things?"

Elaine looked up, throwing her hair into a bowl of peanuts. "I'm doing it in her accent. It's classy!"

Anyways, now that the stupid dog has finally stopped talking and let you get back to reading these-

"It does not say that!"

"Fine!"

I need your assistance as soon as possible. I am at the Playboy Mansion. Dressed as one of the rabbits in the swimsuits who wear panty hose and high heels. These things do not make sense, but very little does in this time. Why do the San Diego Chargers continue to play American football when they are so bad?

"If I wasn't reading that in her voice, I'd be super pissed right now."

"Can we go now?"

"Let me sober up and-"

"How long does it to take to process one a half beers?"

"You're right!"

A little time later, Elaine walked through the halls of the Playboy Mansion, wearing a blue costume befitting the rest of the servers of the establishment. She tried to keep her eyes open for signs of wear Imena could be, but could not find her in the halls of the mansion, and none of the other girls seemed to know the name, but one woman did give her a very cross look when she asked. Probably nothing, Elaine mused to herself. For now, she just needed to find the immortal creature known as Hefner.

There he sat in a bar, of course he was under age but honestly no one gave a damn when he decided he wanted to drink. The dude was the poster-boy of Canada, still dressed in a black leather jacket and a white shirt beneath it and a pair of dark blue jeans. Actually he was making a damn good name for himself in the U.S too, especially with the type of fashion statement he made. Actually... let's face it, saving Canada from destruction only gains brownie points for people who like Maple Syrup. Being a big shot in the U.S though, that's much better. Now he's a protector of adulterous, fatasses that have nothing better to do with their time than pump out kids and complain because hard working citizens aren't giving them enough money to be hooked on drugs and abuse the system good ol' FDR put into place. Oh yeah, drinking alone and contemplating politics and a life without meaning. A single life....

Fuck life. Fuck life with a large, rusted and spiky object that would be horrifically inappropriate to be used for fucking someone with. At this moment in time a large lamp post covered in rusted barbed wire and lemon jews. Not a typo.

He was distracted for a moment as his phone began to ring. You see on occasion Zell got a rather mischievous idea. Even rarer an occasion that he was drunk enough to act on these impulses. This particular impulse was hacking in and wiring all of Bliss Tech's customer service calls to a pre-paid track phone for him to personally answer. Honestly he was surprised that they even had a customer service center at all. There were times he wondered...

(Cue the cut-away to a bunch of skeletons covered in cob-webs leaning forward on their desks as phones ring off the hooks)


"Herro, Briss Tech Customer Support. How may I herp yew?" He asked in a rather exaggerated Japanese accent he had picked up from Shi.

"Oh-oh Hello! Uhm yes you see I've recently had some dealings with your company and I was wondering where I should go to file a proper complaint." She said. Uh oh. She sounded disappointed. She sounded very nice though...but stern. She sounded like a total bitch actually. He could imagine it. This stuck up wife with a whipped boyfriend, or worse...a single mother. Oh God not Johnny. Why did Johnny have to deal with her!? What kind of monstrous God would do this to Johnny!? He didn't ask for this! He was just born into this. Zell had to do this. He had to take this call. For Johnny...

"Oooooooh Nuuuuuuuu. You haz a compraint? Oh nu, nu, nu. Nu good. I am so sorry for yew. Prease ret me herp you. I give you direct instructions to send compraint to appropriate person!" He said, keeping to his accent.

"Oh yes! Thank you very much."

"Yes, yes now fer this you wirr want your computer-"
"Alright, I have it right here"
"Good. Now to file a compraint to Briss Fuck-you-mama Prease open your nearest word document."
"-I-I'm sorry did you just say-"
"Open word document? Yes."
"Oh...okay."
"Now write down arr of your compraints and grievances on this document." He instructed. The woman then proceeded to inform him that this would take a minute as she began clicking away furiously. All Zell could thing was how sorry he felt for the keyboard. The sound of the smashing made this woman sound like she was some kind of hulk delivering inhuman justice upon the poor instrument of typing. Once the typing had concluded she sighed with satisfaction.

"There. Finished." She said, he could virtually hear the accomplished smile on her face.

"Oh you finished your compraint to Miss Briss Fuck-you-mama? Good, good! Now save your document. Then exit to you desktop screen. Then I need you to crick on the document you have saved. Now prease crick and drag it to the default program on the bottom right on your screen."
"But...but that's the recycle bin."
"Exactly." He said in his real voice as he hung up on the woman and reached down before looking to the pint glass in his hand. "I did it for you Johnny...I did it for you." He said before putting the glass to his mouth and downing the drink entirely with a primal vigor.

The remainder of the night went on rather slow, mostly because only seconds had passed before Zell stumbled and staggered out of the building, a small little dog following behind him in his wake. Finally in the state of his drunkenness he decided that since he was without his powers he'd do the only thing he knew how to do anymore. That's right. He was going to take the old Exosuits out for a spin.

Well it ended horribly. He flew too high and eventually the thrusters gave out and he began to freeze over. He tried to deploy the parachute but you know what happened? He fell and planted into the road face first with impressive force, causing a small crater. Then his exosuit opened it's missile projectors to flair out bright colored lights of glorious shades of red, white and blue from all angles, making him look and sound like a living firework as the audio system went on the fritz and a really loud rock stars voice screamed

AMERICA! FUCK YEEEEEEEEAH! Then the parachute mocked him by deploying and covering him as he lay there.

Shedding the exosuit and breaking free, he stumbled and staggered over to a rather nice house, a mansion. Of course by staggered over he means climbed over the really expensive looking fence and then scale the vine-guides and collapsed on the upper floor's balcony. No one was there at the moment, but he just decided to lay there. Despite his not-so subtle nearby crash landing he was undisturbed for a moment.

Little did he know that he had stumbled upon the abode of the ever Immortal Hugh Hefner, the 94 year old mastermind of male mind-control in magazine format.

For a place with such bright colors, this place sure did smell like regret and shame. The blue rabbit Elaine carried her tray of drinks with her thumbs barely holding the tray in place. "Do you want drinks?" Five long glasses lay in a pool of alcohol swelling up around the tray. More fizz than liquid remained in the slender glassware.

"You must be new." A woman in a black and purple dress started to touch at the tray, but retracted her hand from the deluge of vodka and fruit cocktail.

"Yep. They hired me for my brain." A small drip plummeted from the tray.

"Well, they certainly did not hire you for your grace or figure."

"Bitch, I'll cut you." She had the utensils and the attitude, but the finely dressed woman just laughed and walked by Elaine.

"Well, that was something." Her companion walked by as the hallway emptied.

"I'm glad people laugh when I say things, otherwise I'd be in tons of trouble."

"One day they'll stop laughing and try to kill you."

"Nah, I'm good." Elaine dropped her tray and pushed on a door next to her. Rows full of every issue of Playboy lined the bookshelves. "It looks like a twelve year olds room in here."

"It's not sticky enough." The dog began to peer around the room. "Try to find some code or something."

Every so often Elaine found a code repeat itself. If she took the first letters from the words, it eventually began to form a repeating message. "If I take the first letter from each word on the spine, it says JFMAMJJASOND, and then it repeats that code every twelve issues."

"Those are the letters of the months."

"Oh." Elaine rubbed her chin. "So..."

"You found nothing."

Honestly Zell didn't really mind ending up where he did, especially when he was drunk and pretty sure he wasn't supposed to be here. He'd say Yolo if he didn't hate Drake for starting that. Seriosuly people; before Drake started that you really weren't under the assumption you had more than one life...were you? Zell goraned and rolled over, only the thought of Drake and his horrific noise were able to cause the young man such discomfort in a place like this. Of course when he finally got to his feet again he merely took a slow zombie-like walk towards the door. Opening it he found a rather empty hallway, well except for the several paintings of himself this narccesist had. Zell sluggishly continued down the hallway, occassionally lancing up at the pictures as he passed. It was creepy how eyes seemed to follow you on paintings.

As soon as Zell turned the corner however he groaned and brought a hand up to message the bridge of his nose, a massive headache starting to kick in. Just his luck as he stumbled around the corner he so happeed to come into sight of two ladies who just so happened to think it was halloween.

"My God." He groaned, this brought him to mind of that weird place with the bunny people. Looking up to the two playboy bunnies Zell cleared his throat, one eye drooped half closed in his state of perpetual drunkeness. "Your daddy didn't leave you because he was disappointed in you. He left because your mother was a bitch... though if he could see you now he'd probably admit he dodged the bullet with you." it took a second, but the girl began crying hysterically and Zell's eyes both shot open before he looked to the second girl.

"I mea-whaaaat? How could you say that about her? You're such a bitch Miss April-wait!" Zell said before pulling up his phone, opening it to his browser. A few clicks on the keyboard could be heard before he turned back to the girl, stuffing the phone in his pocket. "-Yeah. I was right." He said before simply walking onward, stepping past the crying girl and heading down the stairs. After his descent he just so managed to turn the corner as more bunnies and a woman in a purple dress were exiting a hallway. But since this was apparently the playboy mansion Zell figured they were all entering something. It was times like this he was convicned marrying Sean was a terrible idea. Perversion was like a cancer. A cancer that was contagious. Like stupidity.

Functioning off previous logic he went in the direction of where all the bunnies came from. Meandering down the empty hallway. Of course he stumbled upon an open door. Peeking in he couldn't help but notice there being a blue bunny. A yellow blue bunny. Unfortunately Zell was racist. Seriously. Fuck the color blue. But even drunk he knew he was probably ina place he shouldn't be. Especially if someone wearing blue was here. Then Zell remembered something really useful.

"Wait... oh yeah. Hookers vision is based on movement." He said to himself before taking a breath in and just standing there in the doorway, completely still as he looked at Elaine.

Some guy wandered in the same room as Elaine. Then he said some stuff, but very little of it made sense. How could hookers envision movement? If they could move, they would. And if they had proper vision to see a brighter tomorrow, they would move towards it. No, the only possible solution was hookers had no vision. And Elaine needed the world to know. "Yep, hookers."

"He's talking about you."

"No, he's talking to me." Elaine tossed some more magazines off the shelves. "Hey guy who just walked in but isn't a guy who was invited, I need you to crack a code for me. While you crack it, I'm going to go investigate things. There may be clues in here, but they are probably of a very particular set of circumstances and the universe would be at an infinitely small probability of creating those circumstances, so you may want to get started."

"They're in a book. Opened up on a table. Written in English. Where anyone can see."

"Yeah, but in the grand scheme of a universe that expands at a constant rate across an almost unending expanse with a nearly infinite amount of molecules and atoms, the probability of one person coming along, who exists in four dimensions of time and space, who can see in the frequency this book exists in, and can read a language that evolved from thousands of years of evolution from a lifeform that itself needed the perfect climate to spring up from is pushing a borderline impossible, astronomical limit of probability."

"Or since this is America, 8 in 10."

"There's more to the universe than America."

"No there isn't. We put hotdogs in pizza and have so many Dakotas."

"You're right, the rest of the world kinda sucks."

"We also went to the moon, cured polio, and some other shit no one cares about, so tell this guy to read the book about Rabbit Stew."

"Hey guy, if you met those requirements I listed then read that book. I'll go look around. Absolutely nothing bad will happen to me, because everyone I meet loves me."

The library kept a few secrets hidden. In plain sight. Hopefully anyone looking could read English, because the book told all about Rabbit Soup. A kind of spell where people meeting a certain kind of anthropomorphic criteria could be sacrificed in a cauldron full of carrots to allow unending life and mysterious dark powers.  A truck full of carrots pulled up outside the mansion.

Out of those astronomical numbers, Elaine did not count herself as a member, for she went off to discover the secret of the mansion. Using her shadow jumping ability, she checked far and long for answers, but found none.  A shadowy figure loomed behind Elaine as she dug through a filing cabinet marked "Things that are Important!" The drawer pulled out with a creak and Elaine put her hand in to draw out the nefarious contents. Out of the shadowy silhouette came a staff enshrined with the mark of the beast. A rabbit head with a bow tie. The staff rained down upon Elaine's head, marking her as the second rabbit for the stew.

Dear Silus. This is Danny. I don't know if you read texts, because you are kind of weird- An index finger blotted out the last word for change. Enigmatic, but I am in need of someone who knows about magic. It appears people think I know about it because of my bracelet and because of artifacts and what not, but I am in need of someone more different- Another mark on the word 'different'. Singled people out for ridicule too much. Unique. Everyone was unique these days. Really redefined the word into mediocrity. Esoteric. Those SATs did not stand a chance when Danny got there. So if you could help me infiltrate the Playboy Mansion, I'm pretty sure Hugh Hefner is a vampire. Or a warlock. I really don't think the difference between those will come as big of a shock as the first part. XOXO Danny. Class of 2021. And send.

Now Danny just needed to wait for Silus to show up and she could begin her infiltration. As a seventeen year old, Danny saved countless men jail time by wearing her black Prodigy spy suit instead of a Playboy Bunny outfit. Any minute now and she and Silus would be off on an adventure.

"H-hey this isn't funny. Where'd ja go?" Zell couldn't help but realize she was talking but suddenly he just stood there, blinking as he looked around wide eyed for the suddenly disembodied voice. Though he continued to hear her speak he simply began to walk over to the safe. All he heard was "Yo crack this safe white-igga" and his mind went to work. Then he heard something about universal probability. If there's one thing our drunk omniversal can do epically...it's drink. The second thing is dance the salsa, the third is mope. But the fourth thing...that was make shit up on the go. Actually, combinations weren't really anywhere on his skill set in this universe, were they? Well this was going to be good....

     "I...look there is so much wrong with that...wait...I saw this happening once before. Sorta..." Zell said, his subconscious filters kicking in before he could ask what he could say what he really wanted to. Which incidentally was "Bitch ya couldn't have asked me two days ago when I was still Omni-aware!?". That aside he would do as he was asked and go to the book before looking over the safe he mused about it. His hand raised as an index finger pushed over the alpha-numerical pad, pressing the buttons in a systematic order so complex that no one would ever be able to guess it.

   "JFMAMJJASOND" he read them out loud as he pressed the buttons. Immediately Zell stopped and started looking around, his eyes wide as his memory began to expand a bit through his drunken haze. "Wait..."


  ------

      Silus hunt there with his legs latched around the branch as his mop of brown hair obliged gravity. Hanging backwards he watched the rest of the park's inhabitants conclude their day, the lights giving off just enough light for the people to exit. He just remained there, hanging and watching like some form of weird lemur. A vibration sent a pang of shock through him as the phone slipped from his pocket. Quickly Silus reached for it, swiping it out of the air before looking at the source of the phone's alarm.

  Dear Silus. This is Danny. I don't know if you read texts, because you are kind of enigmatic, but I am in need of someone who knows about magic. It appears people think I know about it because of my bracelet and because of artifacts and what not, but I am in need of someone more esoteric. So if you could help me infiltrate the Playboy Mansion, I'm pretty sure Hugh Hefner is a vampire. Or a warlock. I really don't think the difference between those will come as big of a shock as the first part. XOXO Danny. Class of 2021.

  Silus read the text over and imagined it being spoken in Danny's voice. Of course the only way he knew Danny spoke were in three ways. Sternly, Appropriately and then with her fists. Reading it all, Silus soaked in the well of information and he immediately groaned a little as his eyes narrowed. Of course his ever-present companion was sitting on the branch next to him.

  "What's up?" The Texas accent inquired before looking at the inverted child.

 "I-I dunno what this word is." Silus said before clicking a few buttons on his phone, replying to Danny.

Hiya Danny! I read texts. I'd like to help! Just tell me where to go! Tic-Tak-Toe! OXOX He texted back. Perfect now he just needed a reply.

 "What, Esa-Estoy-aaah...esoteric?" The question was finally out there, though it elicit a rather strange response. Silus just giggled a little and shook his head.

"No silly. Everybody knows what that means." He said, his own intelligence being undermined in his overestimation of the common man and it's "relative intelligence"... if you could even give them that much. "Imma go to google."

"Well what is it, maybe I kno-Playboy." The phone was quickly swatted from Silus' hand as google was pulled up.

"NOPE!" He said as he knocked the phone from Silus' hands.

 "Heeeeeey!" Silus whined with a long drawn out tinge, upset that his phone collided with the ground, when he looked up his companion had suddenly vanished. Stupid thing always breaking stuff and leaving him to take the blame. But of all the things Silus was disappointed of it wasn't the fact that he just broke his phone...it was because now with a broken phone he couldn't counter Danny's  tic-tak-toe moves with his own skills.

  After remembering Danny's whole reason for contacting him, he immediately took off running towards the location he needed to be.

Rabbit Stew. The life draining spell, able to pull out the youth of rabbits. However, rabbits came with a large amount of setbacks like worms, a short life, and the insatiable need to have sex with everything around them. Hefner did not need two of those things, so he found a way to cut out those drawbacks. He made changes to the spell to fool the spirits funneling the energy by dressing two young women up as rabbits and draining their life from them. It worked so perfectly, he made an entire industry around it, auditioning newcomers to act as his perfect sacrifices.

All of this would be documented within the book on the table. The safe contained far more sinister devices.

The first device contained a poem that would tear the readers soul from his body and inject it into a plant. It came with a note explaining that, but not one for why someone made such a device.

The second device did the same thing.

The third device was a mirror with an explanation for the two modes it could be used for. It could either allow the user to see how they would die, or it could show them the whereabouts of someone really cool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The light flicker of a lighter swung over towards the skinny pipe hanging over the downed blue bunny. "Works every time." The blond woman from the hall took a drag from the pipe, letting the smoke exhale in a smoke ring, then lifted the phone on the desk to her ear. "Hey Honey, I found our second rabbit, so go ahead and get the blond one out of the dungeon and we can start getting the Jacuzzi prepared to be the portal to the other dimension." The smile from her face turned from joy to condescension. "I knew there was no way we would let someone with so little grace in her. Oh, well. I don't have to fill any other vacancies for a while." She knelt down and tied Elaine's ankles and wrists and put a piece of tape over her mouth, then tossed the knocked out bunny over her shoulder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good to know lol! Danny possessed none of the joy in her body that her text messages employed. I'm going to sneak in for some preliminary scouting then will probably head to the grotto. No detectable sound moved through the bushes to give Danny away. The mansion looked big. And well lit. No one occupied the grotto, leading Danny to assume some dumb, perverted freak show must be happening inside. Good, she did not want to see any bunnies tonight.

Nothing in the grotto screamed for her attention, but the display of carrots around the Jacuzzi looked incredibly odd. She wanted to lake a picture of it and ask Silus if he knew anything about it, but the possibility of it being a sex act and telling Silus to Google it would not end well. It would not end well at all.

"Hey! Are you a spy!" A woman in a red bunny outfit walked out, flanked by two green, one blue, and a yellow clad bunny as well.

"She looks like a spy." A stern face on the blue bunny with dark olive skin and a tall stature. The high heels pushed her attitude all through her body.

"Yeah, I'm just here to-" Danny scratched her nose and grabbed her bracelet while the women began to prepare for battle. They had reach. And agility. "Before we get started, would any of you like a stick of gum?"

"That's a lame trick. Trying to get us sick. We can get our own gum." The snotty brunette in the red outfit took out a stick of gum and popped it in her mouth. Each of the others did the same as they sneered at Danny.

Danny smiled, knowing she just took the advantage for herself. "So, is Leonardo DiCaprio your leader?"

The question bumped around the heads of the bunnies as they gazed to each other. "He doesn't have the poise to be a bunny. Why would you even ask that?"

"I just figured he was your leader, since all I see are Dead Rabbits." Danny sprung to go all Karate Kid and sweep the leg on the red bunny. The rest of the bunnies sprung into action, but could not overcome the coordination of chewing and walking in high heels, allowing Danny to pick them off one by one.

Now, Danny did not kill anyone, because it is Danny, but she did do a good job of putting the clique out of commission for a while and locking them in the pool house. It looked quiet enough now for Danny to watch out to see where Silus would make his entrance from.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I don't get to do a lot in this post." Spirit Corgi watched as Zell progressed through the safe. "That was the code? I hope they kill that girl who shows up and talks to me otherwise she won't shut up about this."

"Yeah...I hope so too." Zell said to absolutely nothingness. He didn't hear anything, he didn't see anything, he didn't know anything. But for some reason those words left his mouth. Why did he even say that? Oh yeah, he was thinking to himself about how he hoped that this book of evil wasn't going to come to fruition. Mostly because rabbit people means a ton of random orgies in the streets. That was going to be messy to clean up. After looking around and seeing that he was in no apparent danger he began to hum to himself. "Uhh...where'd blue yellow one go?" He asked before rubbing his eyes. After looking back to the book he sighed.

"Oh well...she's dead now." He said as he tuned and went back to look for some alcohol around here. Was this really what his life had boiled down to? He couldn't handle being who he was anymore to the degree he had to drink himself to death? Yes...yes that is exactly what was happening here.

-----

Silus on the other hand managed to sneak around and about just in time to find Danny. Of course his entrance wasn't exactly dramatic, but it was certainly awkward. You see Silus had the strangest desire to crawl around like a spider...so what he ended up doing was drawing himself some suction cup gloves and crawled down the side of the pool house and into the bushes. Once in the bushes they rustled softly before he emerged, brushing leaves and a few twigs off of his sweater jacket, though not noticing the small stick that was suck in his mop of hair. Of course he beamed a smile at Danny before waving a little and making his way over to her.

"Hey, whazzup Danny?" He asked, looking around and letting out a little shiver, there was in fact a supernatural feeling in the area. "So... what's the plan boss-lady?"

Never in her life did Danny even live with a weird little brother. The experience of watching Silus spider crawl to her and how to respond to it when the possibility of Playboy Bunnies could be watching caught her completely unawares. Danny laid the smackdown on those bunnies; she taught them a lesson in morality, but now Silus and his walk made her cringe at the thought of those unconscious henchwomen thinking Danny was not cool because of the little man whom crawled closer to him. "Oh, hey Silus." Danny waved while trying to corral Silus into walking straight. "So, I just beat up what I think is the welcoming party for us. We need to find whatever a creepy old guy who surround himself with young women for se- um second dinner, would keep his magic laboratory." Danny could let her fist do the talking, but unless she planned on fighting every person in this mansion- which she could, but she did not plan on, she would need Silus to do some magic work. "I'll make sure no one messes with you. Okay?"

Just how much the hips could move without forcing muscles through bones were tested and passed by the vivacious stature of Bunny V. Applebottom as she came into the personal 'study' of Hugh Hefner. "Oh honey." A number of girls clad in bunny suits lounged about the room, feeding the ego of a man old enough to have killed their grandfathers for not staying off his lawn. "I got those ingredients you wanted."

"Oh, well good timing!" Two wrinkled hands brushed a girl off of each lap as the man perpetually in a bathrobe and captain's hat stood up from his red velvet chair. His hips shook like Shakira, but for all the wrong reasons for women and the right reasons for an orthopedic surgeon.

"They're currently in the dungeon. I assume you want to give them a once over before I send them to the cauldron for the ceremony." One finger was all it took to lead Hefner down the hall to a flight of stairs. One finger could take him down three flights to a metal door. One finger could cause him to walk through torch lit halls until they came across a barred door. "Here we are." The door creaked open. "Two intruders, so we don't need to worry about sacrificing any of the girls we interviewed."

"Oh good. I like those new girls." Hugh shambled in. The weight of his years wore hard on him the longer he strayed from using the spell to regain life.

"Exactly." Bunny looked down to Elaine and Imena, neither girl awake enough to attempt an escape. "These girls will do perfectly."

Zell eventually decided he was bored of just sitting here. He sort of wanted a little more action than this. Of course he knew that if he vocally asked for such a thing the cruel hand of fate would turn him into the next... What was that girls name? Tutu? Tyluli? Taluli? Tyuki? Oh, that's right! Her name was Tuki Tuki!

"A-alright No more sitting around waiting to be a Tuki Tuki, kidnapped damsel in drag." He stopped before shaking his head. "Dafuq came outta my mouth?" He said after slapping himself with rather decent force. This left a welt on his right cheek, visible finger marks as he seemed to try and reorient himself from his drunken stupor. Granted it isn't really work, but the placebo effect was an amazing thing. So was the inevitable liver failure he was working up towards.

Zell made his way out of the hallway before meandering down the path of random bunny girls laying about. Blinking as his eyes traveled from girl to girl, he was certainly not in any way eyeing these girls up. He was assessing for damages to see what exactly was happening. When he was finished with that THEN he proceeded to just randomly look wherever the best assets were to be seen. Hey, at least he had the decency to make sure they were alive first. After his eyes fixated on the hallway ahead he found that the trail of bunnies lead to a dead end, and that Elaine wasn't here anymore.

Turning around he sighed and shook his head.

"Yo man, all ya'll bitches got hit pretty hard by that yellow feaver. All I gotta damn go say is Well good job, keep on ridin' there cowgirl and...eh wait a second. That's a sex position. Bunnies...Wait, wait whaaaa....Where the fuck am I?" The young man said, finally coming to his senses a bit, eyes going wide as adrenalin started to kick in and his mind actually started working.

----

"Second dinner?" Silus repeated the question before seeming to nod and understand. "Oh okay. Yeah, understandable. I have friends over for second dinner all the time. If I-" Silus stopped interrupted by the stifled laughter of his invisible companion. "-I had to guess where he was keeping his mystical lab it would be where he has his second dinner. 'Cuz you have second dinner with close friends. Not at the dinner table though. Well sometimes, but mostly somewhere where people won't just walk in on you and interrupt everything." He said, a howl of laughter roaring out in his head, making him wish he weren't such a bullied and lonely little child that literally was so dependent on another person that when they left his mind literally needed to project a hallucination of them to keep him mentally stable.

As they made it into the playboy mansion there was something that Silus couldn't help but notice. Aside from all the paintings of himself, he couldn't help but notice that this old man had a lot of hand lotion and tissues in every room. Silus picked up a bottle of lotion and examined it before squirting some on the carpet. "Well at least he takes care of his skin." he mused before he actually started to notice a pattern. There were a lot of paintings with snow in them.

"I-uh...I think... Oh, I know. He's rich right? I thought I saw like a rabbit theme right? Cover me a sec." Silus asked before quickly drawing a picture. His fingers traced over the nearest door, leaving behind streaks of paint and other artistic bullshit that could never possibly exist because our world sucks. Silus quickly started to draw a snowy scape. The way he drew it though was almost as if he were looking outside a door, out to the vast snowy abyss that guised itself as a place of friendly snowmen and not-cannibal reindeer.

"So what if this villain isn't totally stupid? What if he would hide his workshop somewhere that goes against the theme? Like so it's not expected. 'Cuz bunnies don't like the cold, right? So what if he put his workshop somewhere where it's cold. But it has to be somewhere where an old guy like him would remember, right? So what if he put a workshop where there's already supposed tobe a workshop. Kinda like the North pole?" He was just thinking out loud at this part, actually excited about the prospect of a villain. "Plus this olf guy looks like a stalker, and Santa is a stalker sooo.... my logic is flawless. Mostly...Sorta." He said trailing off looking off tot he side, the more he thought of it the more he second guessed himself, his eyes averting away from Danny as he shifted about uncomfortably, hands dug into his hoodie pockets.

"So uh...do me a solid and punch that door like it's Alpha's face." He asked, an almost uncanny cheer to that type of request. Hopefully she'd punch the door and it'd vaporize. Regardless, once the door was down, or opened then it would reveal a totally different place. The North Pole.

Ah! A wondrous beautiful place and the area right behind us is nothing less than Mr.Hefner's magical sweat-shop! Where he no doubt honors the Christmas spirit by employing a bunch of horny midgets to do his bidding. Looking back to Danny he nodded and smiled. Of course this could all just be a visage of his broken, fragmented mind and the whole year he's been alive he was so broken and traumatized by living with those whack jobs he called a family that he was now hallucinating everything on a mass scale of things. Oh well, it's not like he gave any fucks. He was just happy to be at least imagining he was on an adventure.

(This post was only half serious. I'm sorry.)

((I lied. I'm not sorry.))

It's a good thing this little genius could always be counted on to fall for the easiest of sleights. Maybe that was his weakness. How Danny would ever use it against him or need to would probably never come up, but for now, Danny could take some joy in avoiding one uncomfortable conversation with Silus as he squirted hand lotion on the ground and made a comment about skin. "Ew. Don't do that. And stop touching things. I assure you, you do not know where they have been."

Whatever Silus summoned to draw on would best be left to the little demon child. When he wanted to tell Danny what she needed to know, Danny figured it would be time. Then he gave her the 4-1-1. "That doesn't even- what- how- I don't even." Finally something felt normal to Danny. "I guess I can punch it." And punch she did. Enough force went into the blow to remind Danny punching a face full of soft muscle and tissue and punching a door were not the same thing. She recoiled from the blow, but her amazement took root when she looked up to see the winter wonderland before her. "Wait, you weren't joking. I thought you were being half serious."

Deep within the candycane dungeon of the north pole, Elaine and Imena stayed immobilized by green and red ribbons wrapping their limbs up while a large wreath wrapped them to a candycane post. "It's always so warm in here." The blond deon lady walked past Elaine and Imena as she led Hugh into the room.

"This is racist." Elaine tried pulling her hands from the ribbons, but could only manage to scratch her legs. They needed a good scratching though, so it's all cool.

"Wow, you were right." The old bag of bones spoke with a subdued level of excitement. "These two are going to be great for sacrifices. I bet I can live even longer than last time."

"Of course, Hughie, cause I'll do anything for you." Crystal Anne snuggled up towards Hugh, rubbing a necklace around his neck with a bunnies head, breaming with energy.

"Ew. He's old." And gross too.

"Quiet! If I want your opinion, I'll rip in from your brain." A hair flip caught Hugh in the face, knocking him back into the wall.

"There is nothing wrong with age, but he is quiet different between ages and it causes some discomfort to those who are paying attention to this debacle." Imena turned her head to get a look at the ongoing exchange.

"I like younger men. So I like him."

"Ew." A shared unison of disapproval rang out.

"That's worse. So you're like a sucking bus or something?"

"You ignorant little rabbit. I'm no mere demon from your mythology! I'm my own kind of being! An independent being who has been around before succubus were cool."

"I'm confused as to who in this room is the oldest?" Imena began trying to do math, but so many variables still rang hollow. "This really shouldn't be as hard as it-"

"You suck. I hope you die."

"Yup. You can literally punch through space. You're like one-punch girl...except....well...Danny." Silus said as he shrugged and stepped out into the snow, sinking through it immediately so that only from his abdomen up was above the snow line. His eyes widened ans he shivered and shouted. "S-SNOW IS COLD!!!!! COLDCOLDCOLDCOLD!" He shouted as he jumped and crawled his way back up into the mansion and shivered, pulling his knees to his chest, little jaw chattering and wide indigo eyes sweeping the area before looking back to Danny.

"That was torture! Hey...you think we can find that Nightkill guy and have him roar? This snow is crushin' mah dreams!" Silus said in a rather uncharacteristically tone, shaking his fist out the window and glaring at the multitude of white stuff on the ground. The snow, not the other stuff. Silus immediately went to begin painting snow shoes for himself, and maybe a pair for Danny later.

"You have dreams to go to the north pole and visit a bunch of enslaved midgets?" A voice came from the other room as a slowly sobering up Zell walked into the room, holding his head and clearing his throat.

"No, my dreams were to blow the workshop up in an accidental confrontation with Megatron; but Hugh Hefner is kinda the same. They're both artificial, shouldn't be alive and are constantly hard-" Zell immediately spit the seltzer water out of his mouth to kill...What did you do that for?

"Nothing....You're so esoteric." Zell said, immediately Silus grumbled, already having started to paint snow shoes on the ground for him and Danny to use. "Have uh....her.... Danny. Have Danny punch you over there."

"That would probably kill me." Silus giggled a little, though he then held up snow shoes for Danny. "Here ya go Danny!" He said with a wide smile, glad to have been of assistance in a practical way. It was good to be practical, which is the exact opposite of everything else he did.

"Okay, I'm going to play with Danny and Hugh Hefner. I might be back for dinner...or never. Depends on how this pans out." Silus said to Zell as he started to walk out, thankfully not falling into snow this time.

"Mmmhm. Okay. Have fun." Zell said as he waved his favorite child off.

"We're off to see the pervert, the horrible pervert of life!" Silus sung to himself as he treked behind, letting Danny lead the way.